Harder not easier. Why?

I have had a rough few days. It seems to be getting harder not easier to deal with the fact that Nigel is gone. I still feel he is in Afghanistan and will get off that bus on June 2. But I know that this will not happen. I have had a hard time with having closure do to the fact that we were not able to see him. (yes I know it was him in the cassette) but not seeing him has been the hardest thing for me not able to see his face one last time to say good bye. Not seeing any part of him he was dressed in his dress blues and had his gloves on and his face covered. there was no part of him that I could say "YES this is my brother." This is my struggle and I know I need to come to peace with it but part of me wants it to be wrong. They got it wrong he is still alive and will get off the bus in June. I still have his voice on my phone and I listen to it often. He Say's "Hi this is Nigel I'm just calling to let you know I'm alright. I'm calling because there was a suicide boomer that hit not to far from us but I'm alright everyone else in my unit is fine. I also got your package and thank you for it. OK well I'm fine love you bye." I wish that day I had answered the phone but i am glad i have his voice to listen to. It gives my comfort some times and others it makes me miss him even more.